The Astounding Travel Adventures of a Miraculous Fellow

The United States of Technology
June 1, 2008, 1:52 pm
Filed under: The Salvador


I am now sending this message from an email machine that is located inside of my parents home in North America.

I didn’t have to take a pickup truck, a bus, and walk in the blistering heat all the while dodging machete blows and drunken street performers to arrive here.  I simply walked down the hall, then turned right, and there was the computer. Weird.  I also don’t have to listen to horrendous Reggaeton music blaring forth from the other computers like the soundtrack for Hell itself.  (Although I really miss my new favorite song, “Machete”, whose chorus goes “Machete, afilado, machete, afilado” – literally “Machete, sharp, machete, sharp”.  No joke.  They love machetes in El Salvador).

So, I got back last night.  I flew into Houston and was immediately greeted by an airport full of white people.  All of whom spoke English (technically Texan, which is sort of like English after consuming way too much booze).  So I shrieked out in Spanish “Where did all of you gringos come from!”  Then I realized, “I ain’t in Kansas anymore” – Kansas being the name of the local Salvadoran moonshine bar in my community.

Then I went to the bathroom.  The details of which are rather banal, but it is when the culture shock moved in.  First, the toilet automatically flushed, then the sink automatically turned on, then the hand dryer automatically dried my hands (unfortunately, I had to push the lever on the soap dispenser, which was exhausting and, I have to say, more than a slight inconvenience).  I then nearly missed my flight waiting around in the bathroom for the robot to come in and zip up my fly, but I think he was on his lunch break, so after 45 minutes I decided to do it myself.

Later I boarded a train to move to the next terminal, which had no driver, so I surmised it was powered by none other than the blackest of magic.  On my flight to Arizona I got to sit next to a rather overly chatty American lady.  Finally, after she stopped talking for a quick breath before her next 25 minute tirade, I tried simply said “Como?” and pointed to my El Salvador jersey hoping that she’d shut the hell up.  Mission failed.

Well, it’s good to be home and with my family.  Although this American culture and technology confuses and frightens me. Our refrigerator can fill up a glass with water, and also give you small blocks of hard, cold water, which are called “ice”.

What a country!

Plus, the weather inside of my parent’s house is very cold, much colder than outside.  It’s possible the house is made of this “ice” substance, or else the devil has possessed its walls.

I miss The Salvador, but I have finally stopped sweating, and wasn’t woken up this morning by roosters and turkeys.  I miss my Salvadoran friends, and it was sad to go, because there is absolutely no way that they can visit me, so I’ll just have to go back. And, I’ve spoken my last Spanish for awhile, that is until I start my daily trips to Tijuana for “happy pills” that I will sell to people who sleep on the beach in San Diego.  Ooh, one nice thing is that my parents’ dog doesn’t attack me and give me fleas with rabies.  Oh, and there aren’t mosquitoes sharing my pants with me, and scorpions sharing my bed with me, so that’s cool too.

Welcome back to America, gringo!


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