The Astounding Travel Adventures of a Miraculous Fellow

June 19, 2008, 2:34 pm
Filed under: Do You Feel Panamá?

Hello everyone.  

I am in Colombia.  I need a few addresses for people because I have a few “packages” to send.  They each weigh exactly one kilo.  Wink, wink. 

I have been kidnapped 14 times, but that’s just because this is the preferred way of getting from one place to another.  If I need to go to the store, I just walk out to the street, and they kidnap me to go there.  Need to go to the airport?  Just cross the street, the airport kidnappers go in the other direction.  They call them “taxis” here, but that’s just Colombian slang for “Kidnap Transit Service.” 

It’s weird here. 

Actually, Colombia is really nice.  I’m in Cartagena, which, loosely translated, means “City Where Everyone is a Hooker.”  I think just by flying in, I officially am now a hooker.  $4 an hour is what I charge, but I might alter that, cause I get fucked over all the time.  Pun intended.  Da da dun, ching! 

We got to Cartagena a few days ago, and were, of course, picked up at the airport by my personal Panamanian taxi driver’s mistress’s uncle. 

Or so we thought…

After picking us up, and continually referring to us as “The Sailors” we drove to a really nice apartment that my Panamanian taxi driver set up.  It was really nice, but had a weird feel to it.  Maybe that’s because his “mistress” and “The Uncle” came upstairs with us.  Then, after thorough confusion, they “accompanied” us to the grocery store, then “accompanied” us back to the apartment again, where she told us we had to pay a 50% fee for her to “accompany” us back to the room.  Being the truly astute individual that I am, I told her “Nope, I think we got it, you already ‘accompanied’ us to the apartment, and ‘accompanied’ us to find some eggs at the store.  I think were good.” 

I didn’t quite get it. 

So, she looked at me, then at The Uncle, and said “Ok….”  Only later did I realize that by “accompany” she meant “to engage in illicit sexual affairs” and not “come with us to the grocery store.”


They’re all hookers. 

You go to McDonalds and they ask “If you spend 1400 pesos more, we can upgrade that to a large fries, large drink, and large hooker.”  At the internet place I ask, “Can I print something?”  they reply “Yes, of course.  If, that is, by ‘print’ you mean ‘purchase’ and by ‘something’ you mean ‘hookers.'” 

They’re all hookers.

Cartagena is actually really cool.  There’s a perfectly preserved Old City that is completely surrounded by a wall that the Spaniards built to keep the hookers in.  It still functions to this day.  It’s not at all dangerous here, just really touristy, although we are the only Americans here at all.  There are a few other foreigners, but most are just Colombians and hookers on vacation.

I wrapped up Panama in style, by watching the mighty Cal Bears trounce the hapless Tennessee…um…what’s their mascot…let’s just say Hookers, to maintain a theme.  Then we went back to San Blas for a vacation in paradise, where we drank rum and stared at a billion stars, until the crabs entered our cabanas and attacked us in our beds.  And, to break the hooker theme, I’m talking about sea crabs, not the hooker kind.   We also went out to an awesome jungle tour on an island, where we saw 3 different species of monkeys, one of which urinated on us.  That was the end of that species, as my rifle firing skills have sharpened in recent weeks.  We also, as good Americans are wont to do, went to a shooting range in Panama City.  We just walked in, flashed a picture of GW Bush, and they loaded the guns for us in glorious fear.  Then we fumbled around trying to figure out how to turn off the safety and actually fire the gun for about 30 minutes.  Finally, we all took turns on the target with a picture of a man holding a women hostage with a knife.  The woman was repeatedly killed, as was the camera in the shooting range, and the cars out front, and the restaurant down the street, and the box of bullets.  We have breathtaking precision.

 So, that’s that.  Colombia in a nutshell.  On Friday we go to Medellín, then I finally make my triumphant return to the USofA on Wednesday.  Please feel free to bring out a red carpet, marching band, clowns, pole-vaulters, and a donkey.  Don’t worry about providing the hookers; that, I have seen plenty of.


1 Comment so far
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Very entertaining!

Comment by Adam

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