The Astounding Travel Adventures of a Miraculous Fellow

I Got Crabs…
June 19, 2008, 2:34 pm
Filed under: Do You Feel Panamá?


…in the shower of the hostel in Las Lajas where I stayed.  It’s a little town right on the beach, and they clambered up from the sea and invaded.  There were a few on the walls and one hiding behind the shower curtain.  They were, no doubt, ashamed of their manliness and left feeling insignificant after watching me bathe.


Panama is nice.  Las Lajas was very mellow.  It was there that I discovered a new, highly enjoyable activity: sitting on the patio of my cabana and drinking ice-cold Balboa cerveza.  This is only topped in enjoyment level by another highly enjoyable activity: sitting on the patio of my cabana and drinking ice-cold Panamá cerveza.


I got to travel around a bit recently – some for work, some in search of colder and colder Panamá cerveza.  I’m doing a project interviewing the local campesino workers for my company and evaluating their social situation at work.  Boooooooring.  Haha.  Actually, it’s pretty interesting talking to all the locals, many of whom are indigenous natives who live in nearby reservations.  These reservations, however, are not what we Americans have come to know and love as dens of firewater and blackjack.  Panama is very progressive and has given huge deposits of land (usually protected rainforests) to about 4 or 5 large indigenous groups, and let them govern it as they have for hundreds of years.  Some places are exactly as they were 500 years ago.  We’re traveling to one chain of islands called San Blas tomorrow, where the local Kuna Yala tribe governs the area.  There is only electricity for a few hours a day in very few places and you travel everywhere in boat.  It’s supposed to be paradise with tiny palm-covered islands and crystal clear waters.  I plan on introducing high-stakes baccarat and poker, of course, with a few dozen bottles of firewater.  I’ll be president in no time.


So now I’m back in the Panama City office again after traveling.  The air conditioning is broken and there’s no fan, so I just sweat and sweat and sweat.  I’ve been electrocuted 14 times by sweating into my computer’s battery.  If it’s not fixed by next week, I plan on bringing in a kiddie pool and a bag of ice to serve as my desk.


Life here is good; I work with a lot of Germans.  They are very nice, but strange people.  They complain when there is not enough work to do.  I’m convinced they are all robots.  I have busied myself testing this theory by putting magnets against their extremities to finally prove the existence of their metallic endoskeleton, but alas, so far none have stuck.  I’m guessing it’s due to some advanced, futuristic, polyfibrous plastic material that was elaborated to elude this test.  I will soon have to start pouring water in their ears to attempt to short circuit them…or just push them into my new “hydro desk/kiddie pool.”  I will update you on the progress of this test as it occurs.


I, on the other hand, embrace this lack of work to email all of you, manage my fantasy sports team to victory (or at least to mediocrity), and plan new ways to advance my robo-tests.  I need to watch Terminator 3 again, to determine how they decided who was a robot and who was not.  My co-workers so far lack the murderous rage of the terminators in the movies…maybe they’re just Office Work Terminators, programmed to eliminate all office work at any cost.  Yes, that must be it.


I had to move from my last house to one with a Chilean/Panamanian couple.  They are nice, but the woman is a school teacher and loves leaving notes.  The first morning I got one that detailed what I did wrong by showering, such as stepping on the bathmat while wet.  The next day I received on for not leaving the toilet seat up (women! make up your mind, up or down?!!).  Then I got one detailing that rent was paid on the first of the month – I hadn’t even talked to her until the 4th, and moved in on the 6th.  I think I’m going to combat this madness with my own note campaign, one that will truly surpass her insanity.  Here are some ideas:


  • “I put some bread into the toaster and it turned brown.  However, I have decided I like it better uncooked.  Where do you keep the un-toaster?” 
  • “I saw a bird outside this morning.  If it is yours, please leave me a note with further instructions.”
  • “What language are you writing these notes in?”  
  • Maybe just, “Please stop leaving me notes.”


Anywho, that’s it from here.  Hope all is well wherever you are.  I will send more pictures when I get them uploaded to the World Wide Web of Information. 





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