The Astounding Travel Adventures of a Miraculous Fellow

Venezuelan Transportation and other Bad Things
July 20, 2008, 10:53 am
Filed under: Venezuela
Venezuelan transportation is an experience in pure awfulness.  While there are a few options available, most of them suck.  First, there’s the bus.  These monstrosities are comfortable, but the air conditioner is set at negative 14 degrees celsius.  If you ask them to turn it off, it rapidly advances to “sweltering sweat” level.  While this transport option sounds somewhat poor, the next option is far, far, far more horrifying.  This option is the car.  Now, I’m guessing most of us are familiar with these contraptions, but in Venezuela they are a little different because most of them are conducted by a madman.  We found this out firsthand yesterday on our harrowing four hour death drive from Puerta la Cruz to Ciudad Bolivar.  Our driver was either really drunk, or a complete fucking lunatic, or most likely a death-defying combination of both.  An interesting side note is that I’m pretty sure drunk driving has just recently passed baseball as the national sport; people here love it.  And they’re already really bad at driving…
So, we hopped into our maniacal taxista’s car, where unbeknownst to us we were about to undertake a ride through what could possibly have been the gates of hell.  An example of this psychopath’s moves are him tailgating a car by 3 feet at 80 mph, then when they passed someone on a one lane road he would follow.  What this would generally lead to was the car we were following blinding us to oncoming traffic, then swerving in to reveal a semi barelling straight for us while flashing its lights.  What this also led to was a shorts full of feces for me.  After awhile of this little game, I decided it would be best to close my eyes and try to embrace the Lord for my impending doom.  I had a lot of forgiveness to ask, so this passed the time well.  When I opened my eyes again, we were squeezing between a flipped over truck one on side and oncoming traffic straight ahead of us.  All at 75 mph.  It was not that sweet.  I think I’ll stick with the arctic bus henceforth.
As for the rest of the country, we finally escaped the madhouse of Caracas without experiencing an infamous Venezuelan murdering escapade.  We headed out to the beach in Playa Colorada, a tiny little town with only one street, but a really nice beach on a national park.  There we met a hostel full of Euros (who are slowly taking over Venezuela — luckily the murder rates helps keep their numbers at bay) and did some class A rum drinking.  There were two Belgians that were particularly cool and put up with our escapades and enjoyed making fun on Germans nearly as much as us.  Our particular favorite game is calling Germans “Schweinsteigers” which roughly translates to “Pig Climber”.  While this makes little sense, Germans seem to enjoy it, thus the game continues.  Futhermore, we had a great time making fun of the Pig Climbers for their numerous world wars and love of David Hasselhoff.  They seemed to enjoy it too, but don’t be surprised if WWIII has a wanted poster in German with my name on it.

The other thing we happened to encounter in Playa Colorada was a vicious attack of Culo Explosivo, a.k.a. the Revenge of Montezuma.  This was particularly debilitating and the opposite of fun.  It was rather interesting because all three of us got it at the same time, and got it really bad.  We were confined to our room for most of the day, and our toilet nearly melted after such heavy bombardment.  The next day, after regaining some strength, we decided to go on a kayak trip to some islands and do some snorkeling in the national park.  It was really cool, but I will just say that snorkeling and Montezuma’s Revenge make for unpleasant bedfellows.  I’ll leave the rest of that story up to your imagination.

Our next journey involved a long trip (like any trip in this country — its just not quite ready for tourism) to Isla Margarita in the Caribbean.  This little tourist haven was a good time that involved lots of beach time, and even more Piña Coladas.  We stayed at a beautiful little hostel owned by the most terrifying Schweinsteiger who apparently has climbed after many pigs in his day because he was about 6 foot 5, weighed 250 pounds, and had the sense of humor of a German shepherd.  He was a scary individual, but had a really nice, clean, efficient hostel.  He probably was a robot now that I think of it.  Isla Margarita was a good time, but was extremely expensive like the rest of this country.  We probably dropped 4,000 dollars on Piña Coladas, but it was worth it.  Those refreshing little devils are better than a cold beer on a hot Christmas morning.
So, now we are in Ciudad Bolivar, awaiting our journey into the jungle to see Angel Falls, the biggest waterfall on Earth, which stands at over 3,000 feet.  The whole trip involves a trek way into the wilderness, so Ill probably have malaria when I return.  Which might make these stories a touch more interesting…

5 Comments so far
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I bet those Germans poisoned you Americans.

Comment by Bruce

Hi boys, I miss you both so much! You two will officially be the first people I know to actually see Angel falls with your own two eyes. Good thing your eyes weren’t stolen in Caracas, you kinda need them to see the tallest waterfall in the world.

Comment by Jenna

Yeff!!! I haven’t had time to read your stuff yet… but I just had to let you know that the Chinese government sees your website as a threat to national security and as such has blocked it. Congratulation’s you subversive sob.

Comment by Barrett

Stupid Amerikaner, Belgier sind wie die Kanadier zu uns … Wir Mock ihnen … und Ihre Ignoranz

Comment by Jonas Van Hoffbrower

[…] – bookmarked by 1 members originally found by justbecos on 2008-08-13 Venezuelan Transportation and other Bad Things – […]

Pingback by Bookmarks about Transportation

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