The Astounding Travel Adventures of a Miraculous Fellow


Jesusville
October 17, 2008, 5:05 pm
Filed under: Argentina

As anyone who knows is well aware, a conversation with me generally revolves around just a few topics: bosoms, alcohol-related things, the economic effects of a strong social-centric fiscal policy, ducks, and Jesus-themed amusement parks.

There's some strange boob action going in with one of these angels...

There's some seriuos boobage going on with these angels...

That’s why it was truly refreshing, in a purely religious sense, when I encountered Tierra Santa in Buenos Aires: a place entirely dedicated to Jesus, and all the exciting things that He has done, in complete theme park form.

This place is remarkable.  Upon entering you are greeted by an employee who is dressed in full ancient Jerusalem-era garb, whom also happens to be selling disposable cameras, which I assume are exactly like the disposable cameras used in ancient Jerusalem.  Maybe even the exact brand of Kodak disposable camera Jesus used Himself when He visited religious theme parks.  As you wander past Ye Olde Holy Camera Shoppe into this sacred amusement park, you see a giant mountain adorned with scalawag Romans and a multitude of Jesus statues in various forms of torture and crucifixion.  It’s really enchanting being able to celebrate the magical experience of the Lord Jesus Christ’s murder and misery in such a fun-filled atmosphere.

Me practicing the lost art of the Four-Armed Robot

Me practicing the lost art of the Four-Armed Robot

Poor Jesus, always getting tortured and killed in this place.  On a side note, notice the Holy airplane and the Holy Driving Range in the background.

Poor Jesus, always getting tortured and killed in this place. On a side note, notice the Holy Airplane and the Holy Driving Range in the background.

Tierra Santa has truly created a new standard in Jesus-themed amusement parks.  This place is an enormous tribute to the ancient times when Jesus lived.  It is full of paper maché animals (that probably were actually not made of paper maché back then), and there are hundreds of paper maché statutes of people in various forms of ancient life: from sword-swinging Romans and (apparently) robot-dancing nomads, to murderous dentists and torturous barbarians.  And of course, there is an exhibit celebrating Gandhi…who was Hindu…hmm…maybe you’re supposed to throw rocks at it or something…

To further please the pious visitor, there is also a Hall of Photos which is, not surprisingly, full of photos.  However, these are not just any photos, but photos of the park itself…which is kind of redundant in my mind.  Although, what great theme park doesn’t need an exciting attraction such as a Hall of Photos of itself?  I actually left a suggestion with the management that they make a Hall of Photos of the Hall of Photos.   However, now that I think of it, if someone were to take a picture of the Hall of Photos of the Hall of Photos there’s a pretty good chance it will create a vortex that will rip a hole in the fabric of space time and consume us all.  But, that would be the kind of Judgment Day scenario that this theme park kind of supports, right?  Christ, what have I done?

A picture of a picture of a Bible in the Hall of Photos.

A picture of a picture of a Bible in the Hall of Photos.

Anywho, while all of these features are truly delightful, the most inspirational, religiously-exhilarating part of Jesusville are the shows.  “The Resurrection” is a thrill-a-minute recreation of a giant Jesus rising out of a mountain at speeds of nearly 0.5 (!) mph, all the while “Hallelujah” blares forth from speakers.  At the truly inspiring climax of his ascension, just as the giant Jesus has finished ascending after nearly five amazing mintues, the statue does something tremendous: it begins to turn around very slowly!  It was more thrilling than driving a go-kart in Uruguay at 15 mph.  We were also blessed enough to attend the “Creation” show, which started with God himself creating the cosmos, then life on Earth which was represented by animatronic animals such as a giraffe, a lion, and a hippo whose mouth actually opened and closed!  It changed my life.  Then, to complete an already mystifying experience, Adam and Eve showed up, and all was right with the world.  It could only have been better if the crowd were able to interact with the show by being allowed to lynch an employee dressed as Charles Darwin.

The Creation.  Not so much "miraculous" as it was cheestastic.

The Creation. Not so much "miraculous" as it was cheestastic.

After such a religiously charged experience, one which I shall never forget (mainly because I stopped off at the Catholic Conversion Waterslide to solidify my newfound faith before leaving), all has changed.  I have found my life’s calling: to create religious theme-parks around the world, to regale and amaze the people of the world.  I can see them all now: “Muslim Magic Mountain”, “Haunted Hindu Playland”, “Judiasm Joyville!”, “The Adventures of Atheism”, “Knott’s Buddha Farm,” “Weird Scientologyville,” and, of course, “The Mormon Polygamy Park, brought to you by the Disney corporation.”

Righteous.

The Resurrection.  Hallelujah, that was dull.

The Resurrection. Hallelujah, that was dull.

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5 Comments so far
Leave a comment

And I thought nothing could rival the Hammer pants video. I stand corrected.

Comment by Mom

Knott’s Buddha farm, wasn’t that next to the jWOOZ?

Comment by zach

Knott’s Buddha farm, wasn’t that next to the jWOOZ?

Comment by zach

I understand why you chose the four-armed robot photo, but I’m sad that your adoring fans are missing out on the four-armed roman soldier photo – I like that one even better.

Comment by Rachel

godamn you, jeff. godamn you.

Comment by marc




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